I was in a bit of an odd mindset this morning, truly in the past week. No, it isn’t hormones. It is more of the fact that it seems as if every woman that has recently given birth is rubbing it all in my face. They are popping up on my Facebook feed and groups I am apart of. One woman even had the audacity to pop up in my driveway, rubbing in my face that she is breastfeeding her newborn. The nerve of some people!
Do they not know that I am suffering here? Did they not get the memo! Nearly seven years in the making (more like the not making). Seven years of buying newborn outfits. Seven years of buying cribs, walkers, bouncers, books, you name it. Seven years of a slow death, with no foresight of relief. Seven years of wailing. Seven years of yearning. Seven years of trying to maintain faith. Seven years.
Now to speak rationally, so you do not assume I am a loon; I am well aware not one of these women has known of my tribulation. I am alone in darkness with this open sore in my heart, with only one on this earth whom has had a small glimpse of my agony, my wonderful husband. And one that knows it all, for there is nothing I can hide from my fist love, no matter how much he pains me with this feeling of deep desire mingled with hopelessness.
Oh, my Lord!
Where is your promise to me? Where is the vision that is supposed to come to pass? Where is your comfort in the time of this troubled emptiness? The enemy has come in and inflected me, I feel as if I am only half a woman. I see my enemy, whom is your enemy, wreak havoc on the unborn. Planting seeds of disdain for life in the minds of the blind. Yet, your servant, whom is faithful in their love and desire for you is without life. No, I am not perfect. Yes, I have failed. Nor am I good. I am flawed. Though one thing remains and will never fade; my unfailing trust in you Jesus as my savior. Surely that has to be enough to receive the ultimate gift of life and the blessing to raise that life up in the way of the Lord. Do I think this is due to me? Absolutely not! But I know I am a child of the King. And I know he certainly wants to bless us all.
Oh, how I wonder of the number of women out there suffering as I am! I hear you! I cry the same tears! I fight the same battle. Surely, love will win!
Today seemed like a weight was on me. I didn’t move quick enough to avoid it falling on top of me. It fell, and hard. On the weight was written ‘Depression.’ I am familiar with this weight. Once upon a time the weights name transformed into the word, ‘Suicide.’ That weight weighed the most, but it never killed me. As I fought myself to not get back into bed and instead to do something, I felt as if my eyes were holding back a geyser of warm liquid stained with agony. I did not surrender and the geyser settled.
I saw the time was 9am. I decided to go to the thrift store. You see there was an excellent sale going on that would be stupid to pass up. I do love thrifting and it usually helps me get out of my puff. I went to the store and bought several beautiful items, including two purple bridesmaid dresses. I figured I could resell them for an affordable price. I went home and mopped, called my husband and felt a wee bit better, then made the decision to look closer at the dresses.
I saw one dress was a size 2. ‘Ha!’ said the dress, reminding me that I was no longer that skinny. It was right, I determined after I tried it on. The other dress said, size C. Never heard of that size before. I tried it on and it was a perfect fit!
I then considered the dresses history. This is my conclusion pertaining to this matter: I am under the belief that the dress under went at least seven pairs of hands to complete, the dying and the cutting and sewing of the dress. It went through at least 6 different purchases, me being the sixth, the dye purchase, fabric purchase, the one whom bought the dyed fabric and cut and sewn the dress, the one whom bought dresses in bulk aka store front for you and I, the one whom purchased the dress from the store, we do not count the thrift store since no monetary transaction happened and then lastly myself who is now sitting in this beautiful dress which you see pictured.
The dresses history continues. There was possibly 1-3 people who tried on the dress and decided it wasn’t for them and then there was one that said yes to the bridal dress. She wore it possibly twice. Or we can say possibly three times, one being the try one, one being a rehearsal for the bride to make sure the dress was acceptable and then lastly for the actual wedding. Then it may have sat in her closet for a couple of days or months until she realized the dress was a one time deal and broke up with it sending it off to the thrift store where it ended up in my arms grateful for a new life.
What a sad life for this dress, purchased and used for the intention of being alive for a one time moment. Until I got ahold of it!
As I tried on the dress, I could tell it was made well and fairly expensive, not some cheap $20-$40 dress. I saw I looked beautiful in it and considered keeping it. But who re-wears a fancy dress? No one, right? Then I decided to dress it up a bit and came to the conclusion that I will keep it and that it should have been kept to wear again and again! Why shouldn’t we dress up every day! Why shouldn’t we feel beautiful every day!
So, JUST WEAR THE DRESS!
Then this inspiration came to me and my internal agony began to subside. And I say to myself,
‘The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastors. He leads me to still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in the path of righteousness for his name’s sake. Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil, for you, my Lord, are with me, your rod and your staff comfort me. You prepare a table for me in the presence of my enemies, you anoint my head with oil and now my cup overflows. I know your mercy and goodness will follow me all the days of my life, and soon I will dwell in your house oh Lord, forever and ever!
Psalm 23
Tears of great healing well up in me, I am reminded, by the greatest Father the world had ever seen, I am reminded by the one who created me, that I am no alone! He hears me! He hears us all! And His mercy is overwhelmingly good. I don’t deserve it, not at all! Yet he dresses me in purple, the color of royalty and called me blessed and not forgotten. He has bestowed on me his great kiss and poured out His love on me. He softens my heart for he is a tender lover. Now all I can say is, ‘Thank you Father!’
I hope this bit of transparency helps to bring laughs and healing tears. The Lord IS with us and there is no one to fear not even hopelessness. He will bring the things weighing on your heart to fruition, for he is good! Just remember one thing, WEAR THE DRESS! Its never to fancy! We live in this world and only have one shot to finish the race well. So make an impression! Be bold! And wear the dress!
Love ya always-
Sommer Sunshine
It will come about in that day, declares the Lord, That you will call me Ishi (Husband) and will no longer call me Baali (Servant).
Hosea 2:16